to ponder. Steven Wright-ish humor
things are like eating potato chips. You can't stop!
used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant
is to pull on
it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable
The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs like they used
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing
All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make
the world weird. Now the world is
make it normal.
How is it one careless match can
start a forest fire, but it takes
start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look
at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no
one cares, why is there a song
Why does your OB-GYN leave
the room when you get undressed
Do illiterate people get
the full effect of Alphabet
Why doesn't glue stick
to the inside of the bottle?
I didn't get a toy train like the other
I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything,
but every now and then
you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman," Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
How do you get off of a non-stop flight?
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on
What happens if you put
a slinky on an escalator?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide,
is that considered a hostage situation?
Is "tired old cliche" one?
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady
in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name
I woke up this morning my wife asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'
'No, I made a few mistakes.'
did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
a mute kid swears, should his mother
wash his hands with soap?
was the best thing before sliced bread?
people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?
it somebody's cruel idea to put an "S" in the word "LISP" ?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat
a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting
room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The sky already fell.
it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to
be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no
is he still wrong?
you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
Right now I'm having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do Asians throw hamburgers?
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always
land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on
the back of a cat and drop it?
isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?
knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people
If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you
pack it in?
Why are there 5 syllables
in the word "monosyllabic"?
Do radioactive cats have
Is it possible to be totally partial?
was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...
on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
He's gone now.
Do they give pilots crash courses
in flight school?
grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little
One day, he took me aside
and left me there.
Something's wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same
I actually bought a congressman
I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could
be eating a slow learner.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and
all the impersonators would be dead.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were:
Adults $5.00, children $2.50.
So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'
Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?
Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and
Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".
I went to a restaurant that serves
'Breakfast At Any Time.'
So I ordered French Toast
during the Renaissance.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
My friend got arrested for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies.
They caught him because he was putting
the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped
on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took
it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it,
but in a different print so he would know when to stop
I was born by Cesarean section.
But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house,
I go out through the window.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand
in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said
it was elevator practice.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities
are needed to make carbon paper.
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound,
can he still hear his Walkman?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately,
No brush, no paint, no canvas,
I just think about it.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just
stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car,
it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through
the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed
it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with
a herd of deer chasing me.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a parsley farmer loses a law suit,
do they garnish his wages?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how
she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it
itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey
know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check
is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
My watch is three hours fast,
and I can't fix it.
So I'm going to move to New York.
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats
only endangered plants?
One time I went to a museum where all the work on display
had been done by children. They had all the paintings
up on refrigerators.
is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...
One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw
the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers
at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
Why do they use sterile needles
for lethal injections?
are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says
if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.